A terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

I can quite honestly say that today was one of my worst days, quite likely the worst, out of my entire month and a half in Israel and Palestine. In addition to personal issues, and my recurring back pain flaring up to the point of being nearly unbearable, I had one of the most saddening and sombering experiences that I have had in this region.

Each weekend as part of our PSE experience, our group takes a trip to somewhere in Palestine or Israel, basically as a field trip to see more of the region and understand the situations in places other than the Bethlehem District. Today our trip was to Nablus.

I honestly did not know a lot about Nablus before we left on our trip this morning. I had asked around and all that I had found out was that it is a very large city, it is a very contentious place, and the largest Samaritan village in the world (still only 700-800 people) is on its outskirts.

After finally arriving in Nablus (a trip that could be perhaps less than two hours but took significantly longer because of checkpoints and detours trying to avoid checkpoints), we met our tour guide for the day, Mohammed, a local man. After only listening to him for a few minutes I had a better idea of how contentious Nablus really is. Apparently it was once the commercial capital of Palestine, but with all the Israeli checkpoints strangling the traffic flow in and out, and with the constant Israeli raids (allegedly every night), commerce has really suffered in the city. (As I understand it, the full-time IDF presence was just removed very recently, yet these raids continue.) And within the past two weeks a leader of Islamic Jihad (depending who is telling the story: Israel says it was a Jihad leader, Mohammed said it was just a Palestinian student) was assassinated by Israel.

This city is also the home of three refugee camps, including the largest in the West Bank. It took our group of more than 30 less than ten minutes to wind our way through the tiny alleyways of the one square-kilometer camp that is home to nearly 22,000 residents. The economic situation of this camp is dire, but what struck me about this camp and about the city of Nablus more than anything--what made the day so sobering--was the situation of the mentality of the residents.

I have seen martyr posters celebrating the actions of violent resistance leaders and suicide bombers in many Palestinian cities that I have visited, but in Nablus they are extremely prominent; they are everywhere. And in Nablus and the refugee camp we visited, there are not only posters as in every other place I have visited, but there are also many memorials. At one point we must have passed ten martyr memorials within five minutes. (Mohammed explained that they prefer the term "martyr" over "suicide bomber" because they believe it is their right to blow themselves up, and they are just being an active part of the resistance, dying for their cause; I will use the term "martyr" because it is shorter and because the term "suicide bomber" is not applicable to all of the people referred to as martyrs--some are other resistance leaders who were assassinated by Israel.) These memorials usually consisted of a large stone plaque with writing and often included the martyr's picture.

I have been to a number of contentious places and seen many, many sorrowful things in my time here. I have been to Hebron and seen people living behind cages for protection; I have been to East Jerusalem and Bethlehem and observed the new ghettos that the Separation Wall has created by killing commerce; I have been to At-Tuwani where Israeli settlers burn Palestinian crops, harass school children, kill livestock, poison wells, and violently attack humanitarian workers; I have been through Ephrat settlement and other settlements and witnessed the lush green in stark contrast to the Palestinian villages everywhere else which have their water routinely cut off by Israel; I have been a lot places and seen a lot of sad things, but today may have been the saddest of them all. This is because at all these other places it was Israel perpetrating the violence against Palestinians, but here, the Palestinian people have perpetrated the violence on themselves.

What can cause people to react this way? I can only think of one thing--hopelessness. These people have been violated to a point where they have lost all hope, and it is very difficult to witness. We might think of suicide as a shameful thing--how can one be so desperate to take his or her own life?--but these people sharing the situation of the "martyrs" understand why they felt no hope, and honor them for their last acts being something intended to help the cause of their fellow people.

We certainly all know that these bombings and other acts of violent resistance aren't helping; they are only making things worse. They have played into Israel's hands of making this appear to be a war rather than an occupation, giving Israel "justification" for all the "retaliative" measures it takes on the families and communities of the "martyrs." Of course, if Israel were not in the business of destroying all hope in the lives of these Palestinians, the cycle of violence would have a harder time escalating to this point. Instead, Israel makes life unbearable for the Palestinian population, they retaliate, and then Israel does so right back. I am reminded of a great observation by Ghandi: "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind."

It is odd to have observed what almost seems like a glimpse of hope coming from this dark situation of Palestinian martyrdom: women in the Muslim community are actually gaining quite a bit of respect and equality through active participation in the resistance movement. Yet, while this may appear as a hopeful thing, the ends do not justify the means. It is also clear that this tiny bit of hope is dramatically overshadowed by the sad reality of the mentality of the youth growing up in this situation. Mohammed (our guide), lamented a few times that growing up in this situation, all the kids just dream of being martyrs like those they see so glorified on every village wall. In this type of environment, I can find no hope.

Up until today, I had been continually amazed at the persevering spirit of the Palestinian people. I have often mentioned to people with whom I have spoken that I can't imagine how they continue living under the Occupation as they do. I don't understand how they handle it psychologically and emotionally--I have been here a month and a half and seen more than enough to both infuriate me and send me into despair. Today was not learning about something that I did not know existed--I have always been quite aware of the presence of the violent resistance here--but today, I was hit with the blow of witnessing the situation first-hand in which these "martyrs" are created: growing up in a place without hope.